


Missing You

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:30:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

Willow sat at her computer, staring unseeing at the screen. It was late, it was Saturday night, and she was sitting home alone.

Oz was in LA playing a gig the Dingoes had been hired for and her parents had absolutely refused to let her go with him. Faith was slaying, Cordelia was in New York, and Buffy and Xander were at the Bronze. A small twinge of jealousy stabbed at her and she suppressed it quickly. No. She had no right to begrudge him his closeness with Buffy. After the "thing", she was really the only close friend he had left. She shut off that line of thought as well. It wasn't good to think about her lack of friendship with her best friend, or the possibilities of Buffy and Xander spending a large amount of alone time together. 

She hated that things had changed. She hated that she and Xander were like - not strangers, but casual acquaintances. They were no longer the people who told each other everything, who knew the most silly and insignificant details about each other. Instead they were people who barely talked, who never touched, who pretended like the other never existed. They pretended like they hadn't been friends all their lives. And Willow hated every second of it. 

She jumped as the phone rang. Who would call her this late? Reaching over, she picked up her second line. "Hello?" 

There was silence followed by the soft click of the receiver being hung up. 

"Great." She hung up as well and tuned back to the screen. No more thinking about Xander. She was determined to finish this reply toni

The phone rang again. "Hello?" 

Again there was silence. She looked at the clock. Midnight. "Hello? Oz?" 

This time it sounded as though the receiver had been thrown back into the cradle. Willow shut down her computer. Her online friends would just have to wait. Something more important had come up.

*****

Xander opened the door and stared at Willow. She made quite a picture. She was wearing what looked to be her father's trench coat, her pajamas and carrying a cross. "Is everything okay Will?" 

Now that she was here, she didn't know what to do or say or even why she'd come. "There's a history test on Monday. I'm here to help you study." 

"Tonight?" 

"Yes." 

"At midnight?" 

"Yes." 

"In your pajamas?" 

"Yes." 

"O-kay. You're sure you're all right Will? No coffee today, right?" 

"Xander? Can I come in?" 

"I don't think that's such a good idea." 

She put on her stubborn face. "Since when have you refused a study-buddy?" 

* Oh, since I get a happy every time I look at you * Gee, should he say that one out loud? 

She brushed against him, trying to ignore the thrill that coursed through her as her hand brushed his. The slightest contact with him and her insides turned to jelly. This was a bad idea. This ranked up there with walking through Sunnydale with an open wound. 

Xander closed his eyes and muttered a small prayer. "Will, history test or not, I think this would look bad. How would Oz react to the fact that you're over here at midnight, alone with me, in your PJs?" 

She sat at the kitchen table. "Come on. Study time." 

"Willow, I was going to bed." 

She suppressed that mental image quickly. Maybe he was right. Maybe they couldn't be friends anymore. Maybe those few stolen moments were all they had. She looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry. It's justI got these phone calls and no one was there. I mean, they were there, but they wouldn't answer. I thought maybe it was you." 

* God, could she read him that well? * "I haven't called you since I got my SAT scores, Will." 

Her heart felt heavy. It was true. For the two months since their discovery they hadn't spoken on the phone. Not at Christmas, not at New Year's. They used to call each other every night; even when they'd spent the entire day together. "I'm sorry." 

She looked so sad and dejected; he sat next to her and touched her arm. She pulled away quickly, unable to handle the sensation of his warm skin against hers. He sighed. He started to say something when the front door opened. 

"Alexander, honey? Are you home?" His mom looked in the kitchen. "Oh. Hi honey. Willow! What a surprise! I hadn't seen you in so long. I thought you two had a falling out." 

"Nno Mrs. Harris." 

"I guess you're just growing up, hmm? Outgrowing those childhood friendships? Xander's told me all about your young man." 

Willow looked surprised. "He has?" 

"Oh yes. He's mentioned how nice and thoughtful thisOz? Is it Oz? Is. How happy he is that you've found someone." 

"He has?" She looked at Xander, her confusion plain. Was he happy that she was with Oz? Had it all been just a fluke? She'd sworn that day in her room when they had plotted to get Buffy and Cordelia to homecoming together that he'd meant what he said. Had he lied? Had he just wanted what he couldn't have - again? 

"Of course, I'd always hoped you and Xander would let off a few sparks, but I guess that's not going to happen." She ruffled Xander's hair. "I'm going to change." 

Willow stared at Xander. "You said those things? Those nice things? About Oz?" 

"He's a great guy for you, Will. He's the kind of guy who will treat you like you deserve. He really cares about you." 

She nodded slowly. 

"Look Willow, I appreciate your help, but I'll do just fine on the test. It's not like I have a social life. You should go on home." 

"Will you walk me?" 

"I don't think that's such a good idea. If any non-vampires saw us, gossip might start up." 

"But"

"Mom will give you a ride home." They sat silently, waiting for his mother. Willow refused to meet his gaze. Her oldest, dearest friendship was gone. It took all her restraint to hold the tears back. 

"Good night, kiddos." 

"Actually, could you drive Willow home?" Xander couldn't bear the look on Willow's face. He looked everywhere but at her, trying desperately to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. 

"Be happy to. 'Night honey." 

"Night Mom." 

"Goodnight Xander." 

"Goodnight Willow." He waited until the door shut behind her to let his own tears fall. "I love you."

*****

"Have you seen Willow?" Oz sat next to Buffy on the low stone bench in front of the school. She shook her head. 

"Nope. Xander?" 

"What?" 

"Willow? Seen her?" 

His eyes met the werewolf's briefly. "No." 

"Good," Oz mumbled under his breath. Out loud, he continued. "It's odd for her to be so late." 

"As those of us who have known her forever need you to point out," Xander muttered. 

"What?" 

Ah yes, the wolfy hearing. "Nothing." Xander stood to walk away and ran into a worried looking Giles. "What's up? New demon?" 

"I just received a call from Miss Rosenberg. She wanted me to let all of you know that she would be absent today." 

"Very funny," Xander pretended to laugh. "Willow doesn't miss school." 

"Today, apparently, she does." The first bell rang. "And so will you if you don't hurry."

*****

Willow sat on her bed, leaning back against the pillows. She leafed slowly through her third grade scrapbook. Removing Alexander Harris from her life was not going to be as easy as she thought. Their lives were intertwined, irrevocably woven together. 

But Saturday night had proven to her that he wanted her gone. He could barely stand being in the same room with her. 

She closed the book with a snap and slid it next to some others in a box. No more pictures, gifts, letters or mementos. Her room looked bare. Was her life really this empty without him in it? She closed up the box and pushed it into the hallway, so that her father could store it in the attic. 

She felt the tears coming again and forced them back. She wouldn't cry. She had no reason to. This was par for the course. Hadn't she spent her whole life making him happy? This was just the one last thing she would do.

*****

Buffy and Xander stood outside the Rosenberg house. "Why are we nervous? It's Willow." 

Xander nodded. "Exactly." 

"So knock." 

"You knock. You're the slayer." 

"No. You" Buffy stopped as the door swung open to reveal Willow's mother. 

"Buffy! Xander! Come on in. Willow's upstairs. She wasn't feeling well this morning. Maybe a visit from her friends will make her feel better." 

They walked up the stairs slowly, both unsure of why they felt uneasy. Buffy had some serious concerns about the way Xander was acting. Maybe something had happened between him and Willow this weekend? Was their romance back on? She felt a thrill of happiness. She liked Oz and Cordelia, but she really liked Willow and Xander. 

Xander felt like he was walking in quicksand. Something was wrong. Something more wrong than his horrible treatment of Willow the other night. He was doing the right thing. She needed him out of her life so she could move on. He wasn't right for her, good enough for her. She needed to think it was just lust. Just him being Xander. But why hadn't anyone told him that it would be like cutting off part of himself - his heart, his soul, and his body. He wasn't whole anymore. He never would be. 

They stopped at the top of the stairs, surprised by the two stacks of boxes. Buffy shrugged and moved to knock, stopped only by the look on Xander's face. 

"What is it?" 

"They're all labeled." 

"So?" Buffy looked at Willow's handwritten notes. Every box said 'Xander stuff - attic'. 

He felt broken. Even though he was sure he was doing the right thing, the fact that she was trying to remove him completely from her life, that she was boxing up their childhood and putting it in the attic destroyed him. "I shouldn't be here. I think it's obvious she doesn't want me here. At all. In any form." His felt like his body was incapable of supporting him. 

Buffy watched him run from the house, her own heart sad. So much for romance. 

*****

Buffy sat on Willow's bed. "So, you want to tell me what's going on?" 

"I'm not feeling well." 

"Spring cleaning will do that to you." She looked around the room. There was a picture of Willow and Oz on the nightstand along with the Pez witch he'd given her. Other than that, there were no personal things in the room. 

"Looking at the Xander stuff made me feel worse. So I boxed it all up." 

"What's going on with you two, Willow?" 

"We've grown up. We've just outgrown each other. He wants me with Oz. He doesn't love me. I was just a passing thing. You know how he is, always wanted what he can't have." She looked at Buffy for reassurance, surprised to see doubt. 

"You didn't see his face when he saw those boxes, Willow. It looked like his world had just crumbled." 

"No. I know Xander. And he wants me gone." 

"You do know Xander, Willow. And he knows you. Except when it comes to each other." 

The redhead refused to agree. "Nope. This is what Xander wants." 

"But what do you want, Will?" 

"I have everything I want." 

Buffy sighed, "Okay."

*****

Xander sat on his bed. He hated his house. He'd spent most of his childhood at Willow's, avoiding his family's fighting. Now, ironically, his bedroom was his haven from Willow. 

He hated being alone with his thoughts. He tried to keep his thoughts as far from his mind as possible. Seeing those boxes, seeing her so casually put him out of her life, had brought back all of those suppressed emotions. And now, the last thing he wanted to think about was the only thing on his mind. 

When he'd kissed her - finally kissed her, his world had stopped. His vision had narrowed to only her and all he thought about, once his brain started again, was how amazingly right it had felt. 

Afterwards, there had been guilt and nerves. But every time he'd seen her, he'd longed for her. Not the ducking into closets lust he'd felt with Cordelia, but an ache, a need to have her in his arms. 

Then Oz had given her that witch and he'd done his best to play the whole thing off as just a passing infatuation. Then they'd been locked up together and if he had only one memory to take with him to his death, he wanted it to be of Willow, in his arms, against his body, against his lips. 

Then they'd been saved. And Cordelia had been hurt. And Willow had made it absolutely, perfectly clear that she wanted Oz. So, for once in his life, Xander was going to do the right thing. 

He just hadn't anticipated how much it would hurt. And how hard it was going to be. He sighed. Enough moping. He'd go to the library and help Giles. She hadn't gone to school. Her mother wasn't likely to let her go off to the library. Surely he'd be safe.

*****

Oz pulled Willow onto his lap and snuggled against her. "Feeling better, baby?" 

"Mm-hmm." She pressed tight against him. 

"Hey Giles!" Xander pushed open the library doors. Great. Not only her but him. Okay. He was a slayerette, he could handle it. 

"Oh look, the lame's all here." 

Oh goody. Cordelia. Willow smiled. Things had calmed down considerable between them all, but some of the barbs still stung. "Hey Cordelia. How was New York?" 

"As if you cared about fashion sense." She looked at Giles. "Any demons today? Or am I allowed to have some sort of social life?" 

"No, no. You're free to go. All of you." He almost laughed at their looks of delight. "Go on." 

Oz kissed Willow's cheek. "I gotta run. Devon's got a practice scheduled. I'll see you tonight?" 

"I'm not sure. Mom might not let me go out." 

"You shouldn't. You should make sure you're all better." He nuzzled her neck softly and she giggled. 

Buffy caught Xander's eye. He almost looked like he was in pain. Suddenly everything clicked. Xander was in love with Willow. And he was trying to hide it so that she could be with Oz, because that's what he thought she wanted. Could she have stupider friends? 

She looked at Willow who was walking Oz to the door. * All right Summers, this could be the greatest thing you ever do or the biggest mistake of your life. * "Xander?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Would you go out with me tonight?" 

Willow froze. Xander froze. 

"I'll call you, all right?" Oz turned back to where Willow had stopped. "Willow?" 

"Oh. Sorry. Thinking. Good. Call. But not too late. My folks are home tonight." 

He kissed her softly, trying to ignore her lack of response. Something was definitely wrong here. He walked out of the library with a sinking feeling. As usual, he was pretty sure it all came back to Xander. 

"Go out? On a date?" Okay, his jaw probably wasn't really on the ground, because he didn't sound like that kid from Fat Albert. 

"Yeah. Just the Bronze. Just the two of us?" 

* All right Harris. Here it is. Buffy. The slayer. Asking you out. Be a man. * 

*Here it is then. The end. The official end of any friendship or other relationship with Xander. And a whole new one with Buffy. How will I deal with this? With them touching and kissing? *

"Thanks Buffy, but I can't." No one was more surprised at Xander's response than himself. 

"Oh?" 

"I have somethings I have to deal with first." Xander watched Willow out of the corner of his eye. 

"But Xander, this is what you've always wanted," she was obviously confused. 

"It used to be. But it isn't anymore. No offense, Buffy?" 

She smiled widely, proudly. "None taken." 

"Shall I walk you two ladies home?" 

"To protect us?" Buffy asked with a grin. 

"Oh no. That's your job. Willow's just my cover to run like a girl."

*****

* Okay Rosenberg. You're smart. Really smart. You've killed an evil creature or two in your day. So why the hell is the person you've known your entire life suddenly a mystery to you? *

Xander made small talk with Buffy, never actually addressing Willow, allowing Buffy to bring her into the conversations. "Patrolling tonight?" 

"I have late, Faith has early. Tomorrow's her day off unless something big hits. I have my fingers crossed for peace, harmony and love. What about you Will?" 

"I'm not in love!" She looked startled. "I mean"

"Don't worry, Will." Xander's voice was soft. "We know what you meant." 

She met his eyes and the air seemed to pulse. "Do you?" She looked away immediately, trying to get away from his penetrating stare. 

"You love Oz. Isn't that what you meant?" 

"I have to go." 

The two friends watched her go. "Thanks Buffy." 

"You hurt her, I'll kill you. And deny any prior knowledge of this." 

"I'd expect no less. But no exacto knives." 

She remembered their first trip into the sewers and laughed. "Deal."

*****

He was in the middle of a guitar solo when her scent reached him. He could practically taste the emotions. He sighed. "Devon, are we done?" 

"You and your girlfriend, man. I don't know which is worse, you when you're with her, because you're barely around; or you without her, because you're so miserable. Why are you so hung up on this girl?" 

Oz shrugged, "Cause she's Willow." 

*****

"Hey." 

"Hey." She regarded him silently, not 100% sure of what she was here to say. 

"It's not over yet, is it? Between you and him?" 

Oh God. He'd taken her back, been so sweet with her, and refused what she'd offered. "I still love him. I tried to take him out of my life, but it just made me realize"

"He's like a stain that won't come out?" 

She nodded. The stubborn analogy worked and probably made him feel better. "You are the best man I've known. And it's because of you thatOz, I love you. But I don't want to cheat you." 

He sat down beside her. "Willow, I love you too. And we're still friends." * Because I can't bear not to have you in my life * he added to himself. She sighed in relief and he smiled, despite the pain in his heart. "Is this what he wants too?" 

"I don't know. But life here is too short. I can't not try." 

"I won't take you back." They both smiled at his lie. 

"I won't ask." They smiled again. 

His heart pounding furiously in his chest, he crushed her into a tight hug. "I love you Willow." 

She returned the affection with equal strength. "I love you too."

*****

Xander's phone rang. He looked at the clock. Almost midnight. Who on earth would call him this late? "Hello?" 

The phone clicked and he couldn't help but grin. Jumping out of bed, he pulled his sweats on over his boxers and ran into the living room. 

The knock came a few minutes later. He flung the door open. Her outfit was the same. "Hey Wills." 

"Can I come in?" 

He stepped back to let her enter. "Out and about in your pajamas again? You trying to start a fashion craze?" 

"Think Cordy'll be jealous when I become the Sunnydale High trend setter?'

He stared at her, all of his humor gone. "Why are you here Willow?" 

"You have something of mine." 

He'd read it all wrong. Damn it! "Oh?" Surprised at the calm tone of his voice, he swallowed. "What's that?" 

"My heart." 

His breath caught. "You want it back?" 

She smiled her soft, shy Willow smile. "No." 

He grinned. "I've missed you Willow. For too long." 

"I've been right here. I've always been here." 

He gently took her chin in his hand and raised her lips to his. "I hope you don't plan on going anywhere for a long time." 

"Xander, I don't want to be anywhere but here." 

* * *


End file.
